Oh, that’s how you feel?

I have been suffering from writers block and bad frame of mind for the last month and a half.

I had so many ideas about what I wanted to write about, but I didn’t feel like I could properly execute it the way I wanted. I wrote half a post, re-read it, and then I deleted it because I hated it so much.

Here I am though ready to share one thing I think has made my life so much better.

Feeling my feelings, and then owning my feelings.

I wouldn’t say I was a person that bottled everything up, but I definitely hid/hide what I am feeling. In middle school it was because I felt so different from my friends, and in high school it was in fear of being embarrassed. I think to this day a lot of the time if I don’t express how I feel about something it has to do with feeling embarrassed. Eventually it will get told to my therapist, but sometimes that’s the only person that will know.

The first time I leaned into what I was feeling was in high school after my first break up. Honestly, I think it was because I was so sad and couldn’t feel anything else. I let myself be sad though. For awhile too. I think I was really sad for six months before I was like this is ridiculous I wanna feel something else. That was the first time I cried in a really long, long time. I just let myself. I think crying binges everything out. I used to view crying as weak until I realized how much better I felt after ugly crying.

After that time period in my life I just kinda let myself be. I would let myself feel certain ways and that was that. The issue is that I wasn’t doing anything with what I was feeling. Me, personally, I can get consumed by things. I tend to fixate on things. So by hiding what I was feeling it was trapped in me running through my mind. I would just think and think.

I always say if you don’t want someone to know something never say it out loud. That’s how powerful I think words are. After high school I was recovering from a really traumatic period of time in my life. I was being consumed by anger, regret, sadness, bitterness, resentment all of it. For two years I just kept it all in never talking about it. I have writing from that time and that was relieving, but it wasn’t cutting it. I was feeling too much.

It wasn’t until the beginning of 2021 that I finally was like what the fuck. I was tired of feeling so many negative things. I was tired of being consumed by emotions I had never been so intimate with. I was about three months into therapy at this point and I was like I’m feeling all these things. What do I do with that?

I do be on twitter dot com. I saw a tweet that said “normalize being bitter and consumed by hatred.” I was like oh my god this is it. I had never felt so seen by a tweet. I immediately screenshotted it and took it to finsta because I had thoughts.

“I felt this and have thoughts on it. I just feel like we should be able to have any emotion even the bad ones and not be looked down on or called bad things because every emotion is an emotion and we are meant to feel them and people just hate bad emotions because they make them uncomfortable and I think it’s outrageous”

my finsta

When I admitted what I was feeling out loud to myself it was like finding a missing puzzle piece. People don’t talk about dirty, ugly feelings enough. If someone is envious we call them green. When someone is angry they are mean or out of control. When someone is sad we tip toe around them. There are hardly any good conversations about the ugly feelings. Nobody wants to talk about them.

When I figured out all the ugly feelings in me I went straight to my therapist. I went down a rabbit hole of every emotion I was feeling and why I was feeling it. After doing that I felt so so good.

I thought about writing this because I saw Indy Blue’s instagram story and she mentioned “Hurt people, hurt people”. It’s so true guys. I was this ball of negative energy for so long. I wasn’t always pleasant to be around and I made it hard on people that were trying to love me because I was feeling a certain way and wouldn’t acknowledge it.

You can feel your emotions for all that it is worth. It’s an important step, but owning and acknowledging it is next.

Now I admit to when anything makes me feel bitter. I admit to the things I love. I express dislike. I talk about my sadness. I say how i really feel when someone asks. When my feelings are hurt I tell people they hurt my feelings. It has made all the difference in my life. It feels like apart of me heals every time I admit to feeling something and own it instead of keeping it inside letting it consume me. As soon as I say I’m bitter I feel a little less bitter. I feel a little lighter letting it go.

No emotion makes you weak and you should never be embarrassed about how you feel. Even the dirty, ugly feelings are valid.

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC