I spent a lot of time being angry. I felt like I got cheated in life pretty badly. I just had this bitterness and jealousy that I couldn’t shake. I felt like I was owed a better life. That I had suffered enough and it was time for good things to start happening to me.
I think as I got older and started more intensive therapy I realized a lot of things. One of these things was I don’t owe anyone anything and they don’t owe me anything.
I feel like a lot of the time we get so caught up in doing everything for others. Then hold it against them when we become angry they won’t stop asking for things. When we start to feel like we are being used or when you start to feel like friends are mad because you won’t tell them everything.
I had a conversation with a guest (a different one this time) and we were talking about how angry we get when we are told what to do with money, time and food. His examples were if I have a lot of candy and you tell me, “give me one piece you have a lot”, he isn’t going to want to because it’s his and you have a bad attitude. He told me I don’t owe them my candy just because I have a lot. I probably would have given them one with out them asking because that’s how I am. However, they acted like I owed them something when I didn’t.
So many times in life we get caught up doing things for others because that’s just how we are. Which is great and makes the world a better place. It’s when it is taken advantage of and abused that we start being mad. You have to know when to say no. You have to realize when you start feeling more obligated than wanting to tell and do things for others.
My nana always says “Life isn’t fair”, that’s very true. The world doesn’t owe you anything. You don’t owe the world anything. You don’t owe your friends anything and they don’t owe you anything. When you think you are owed something you have lost perspective on life in my opinion.
I spent a lot of time thinking I had to do things for others. More importantly that I owed them every detail of my life. I felt like I had to tell them every thought and thing I did. I felt like I needed certain familial relationships just because of the label they had in my life. When I left all that go (because I don’t owe anyone anything) I felt way more alive.
The truth is that when you know you aren’t owed anything you feel a lot less cheated in life. Your intentions are more pure. The outlook becomes very different.
As always the only person you owe anything to is yourself.
One thing I always tell people is that you are the only person with you 24/7. I think it is a really important thing to remember. People will come into your life and say they know you but that’s not truly the case. For me personally I’m constantly thinking new things which change my opinions or contradict what I have said in the past. I don’t always let someone know how I changed my mind either. I don’t even need too.
Your world revolves around you. It’s important to understand and know that. Not everyone else’s, but your day to day when it is you. You spend the most time with yourself.
I really think you should be in love with yourself as a person. You should like yourself as much as you like the people you surround yourself with. Life is so much harder when you don’t like yourself.
Ways that I started to fall in love with myself were to give into my passions. Those things people tell you won’t make you money. It makes me feel so much better to read and write. To just spend time doing those things uninterrupted. Those two things make me very happy. When I’m happy I enjoy myself and others more. Taking trips and finding new things makes me happy. Learning about new things and having conversations with people to hear what they think makes me happy. Doing things I enjoy makes life so much more bearable and fun.
I think a lot of the time we get away from the things we enjoy. We are so focused on what needs to be done and we don’t find time for things that make us happy. We don’t prioritize our happiness and overall well being.
I was at work this week and I was talking with a guest. He told me his grandma always told him “Life is no good if you aren’t having fun and taking time for yourself.” It’s true.
Take time in your life to think about you and what makes you happy. Do those things. We aren’t suppose to be miserable till we die. At least that’s what I believe. There is to much to see and do and be. Feed yourself the way you would feed others.
One of the things I work on is how I talk to myself. I am very critical of myself. I speak harshly and cruelly to myself. It makes all the difference when I speak kindly to myself. Talk to yourself how you would talk to others.
Spend time with yourself and get to know yourself. You spend 24/7 with you. It’s worth being a person you like.
I think there are things in life that stay with us for a long time. Words, actions, moments, sounds it could be anything.
I was seventeen when I got told something that threw my world off kilter and I didn’t even really realize it.
If I had to map it out my depression started in the 5th grade when I experienced grieving for the first time. I don’t think I ever really stopped being sad after I realized death was permanent and someone would prefer it to living. Morbid for a 5th grader. There was just so much that followed that didn’t make it better.
Seventeen was a really hard time for me. I had just had my first ever break up which sounds like boohoo, but I am a feeler. My parents are finally getting divorced after years of creating the worst environment by being married and living in the same house. My depression and anxiety is only getting worse by the day. I just felt like my world was falling apart. Not to mention there is the angst of being a misunderstood teenager.
I was sitting in the passenger seat of my mom’s yukon and that day was just a really heavy day for me. I felt like there was nothing for me in the world and it was just all really not worth it. I was telling my mom how sad and alone I felt and just really trying to get motivation for anything at that point.
She turned, she looked at me and goes “You’re not special.”
My mom has this way with words when she is fed up with something that it just feels like it is slicing right through your core. That it is directly aimed for you and only you. That it hits every nerve it is suppose to. It hurts really fucking bad. I’ll never forget the look she gave me or the tone of her voice. It was like she was fed up with me.
I just stared at her. I was at a loss for words. Why did she say that to me? What did I say to deserve that? I just blinked back tears and looked out the window. What the fuck am I suppose to do with that? My mom is telling me I’m not special. I just wanted her to offer comfort.
I just kind of took it and tucked it away. In the dark of the night when I would be begging not to feel anything though it would seep in that my mom told me I wasn’t special. I was young and I just wanted to be seen. I was depressed and felt so alone. I was anxious all the time. I was struggling constantly. Therapy wasn’t working and I looked miserable. Nothing was working and it just felt like I was drowning in negative emotions.
17 year old me looking absolutely miserable
It took me years to come to terms with that one sentence. I tried really hard to not think about it and to push it away. To make myself feel better I told myself that she just meant I wasn’t alone.
This narrative that I created in my head really pushed me in a way that made me who I am today. My mom thinks I’m not special okay. She means I’m not alone okay. When I started to think of it like that I really started to become curious about those around me. Someone has to feel how I feel.
My senior year my friends and I decided that hey we should start a band! It was probably the only good decision I made that year. It gave me this creative outlet to write what I was feeling. Which was a lot. For months we would just be at my house, locking ourselves in this room with instruments and me with a notebook and pen. My favorite times though were when I would just look at my friend and go “play me something nice” and he would. I would sing whatever came to mind and just binge out all my feelings and thoughts.
I was feeling some pretty dark things at this point in time. We would wrap it up and we would discuss if we thought it was good or not say things here and there. He would say “that was really good Becca, you’re really good with lyrics”. I would just say thank you and move on. The more we did it though the more we talked about what I was singing about, how I was feeling, what they were feeling. We started having this open dialogue about the things we were going through. It was really nice to have people that could relate to what I was feeling and to be able to talk about it. Thank you boys for that.
There’s this thing that comes with therapy where you withhold certain information from your therapist so you don’t end up in the hospital. One night I was just so at the end of dealing with how I was feeling. I sang this song with my friend playing the guitar. I played it back and it was like I got smacked in the face. It was my apology for not wanting to be alive anymore.
A violent thought. Something I had been withholding from therapist after therapist for so long. Something I had been trying to convey with out saying it outright because I was scared. Something I could only admit when there was a guitar in the back.
After getting help it took about a year and a half to circle back to what my mom had told me in the car that day. The narrative I had built that I wasn’t alone helped me talk to people about what I was feeling and open doors for them to talk about what they were feeling. I got told I was really good at being vulnerable. All I really wanted was for whoever I was talking to to know that they weren’t alone. You feel alone, but you are not. It is such a hard thing to comprehend when you feel like that though.
I only just recently talked to my mom about what she said to me that day. She told me the more I said “You’re not special” the more she realized how harsh and mean it is. She told me the narrative I made was what she meant. We had a really good talk about it. My main point to her was that all she had to say was I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling.
Not everyone is going to know exactly what you are going through. Everyone has something a little different. There are people though that feel like you. That experience what you feel. Have the thoughts you have. The reason we miss so much is because we don’t talk enough. We isolate ourselves and convince ourselves we are alone. Some people won’t get it, but some will. Learning to be able to converse with myself and others about how I feel and what I deal with was one of the most freeing things I have learned.
Creating an open dialogue with the people around me was one of the best things to happen to me. I hope that you find people in your life you can do that with. It makes a whole lot of difference when you do. You are not alone in the world.
Thank you to the people I have that with you are all dear to my heart.
Thank you mom and dad for all the times you let me use you as an excuse to not do something I didn’t want to do. Sorry to everyone I told this to. Chances are they would have said yes, they wanted to me have fun.
Growing up I had the crutch of telling people my parents said no. The first time I realized that was going away in my life was when I was sixteen and a boy liked me and I said mom what do I do? She said give it a chance. I looked at her and said “Can’t I just say you won’t let me date?” The answer was no. Lucky for me I haven’t ever felt much guilt in saying no.
There are lots of things I say no to all the time. Recently though, I have found myself making commitments I have no intentions of wanting to do. I was in my shower thinking to myself why did I say yes I did not mean that. Then I got the moment of clarity I needed. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. Ever.
It was really nice to remember that. I’m not saying be a flake, that is mean and makes you unreliable. I am saying just start saying no or let them know you’re thinking about the plans but you can’t commit. For me the fall/winter months I especially don’t want to go out and do things. I’ve told all my friends not to ask until day of because I won’t know until then.
Saying yes when you mean no is a really awful feeling sometimes. It can lead to good things, but it can lead to not the right mindset going in. You could just end up regretting whatever it is because you realize you really don’t want to do it. Then you’re sulking in the corner wanting to go home, but you don’t want to be rude.
PS there is nothing wrong with making an appearance then leaving.
I did a year of no one year when I was in high school. I just practiced the boundary of saying no when I meant no. This came after my year of yes. It is always good to have boundaries and no is a good one. No, I am not going to let you treat me like this. No, I am not going to lie about that for you. No, I don’t want to go. No.
You don’t have to qualify your no either. There doesn’t need to be an excuse. Crazy right? There doesn’t need to be other plans. You just don’t want to do it so you’re not. You’re saying no.
Saying no can make you feel really good once you realize that it makes you feel better. Sometimes I will go out a night before work and say I’m not drinking, they’ll say what time tell me I’ll be fine and I will still say no. In the morning I am always like there was no way I could’ve drank thank god I didn’t. Just little things saying no to makes the difference.
Saying no is not a bad thing, it is really freeing at times. It is important to remember you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do and you can always say no. You are in control of you and no one else.
For a long time I was so lost in my head and emotions that I gave up on knowing myself. I was just feeling too many negative things that I was like “If they say I’m pretty I must be pretty”. I didn’t believe them but if they said it then it must be true to some extent.
It just went on from there. Anything anyone put on me or said about me I took it as the truth. There was always some level of knowing myself I didn’t lose, but for the most part I was just being someone else. Someone completely made of all the things people would say to me.
Senior year was by far my most traumatic awful year of my life. Everything I knew and thought I knew about myself was out the window in a big way. Now I knew what it felt like to stare at a stranger in the mirror, and it was a very scary thing. I had no idea what to do with myself. I had to have long talks with myself about what I wanted and who I was. What I was going to do and how to proceed. I realized if I didn’t believe what everyone was saying what good was it. I needed to believe it.
I needed to know myself again. So I started re meeting myself again and again and again checking in until I started seeing someone I recognized from a long time ago. Then I made a big situation for myself that I would re do if I could.
That situation ended up with a very angry person on my couch yelling things in my face. Saying every hurtful thing they could think of, throwing anything they could in my face. This was really hard to hear especially after this person already was making me question myself at every turn in everyday life. One thing that I still remember to this day was “I don’t know if it’s your issues or what but,” and when I tell you that was a slap across the face, it felt like all the air left my lungs at that point.
I spent weeks thinking over everything they had said to me. Was any of it true? Am I that bad of a person? Do I deserve bad things to happen to me? I wasn’t letting people tell me who I was but this person knew me closely so maybe there was truth? This situation was discussed in therapy for months to come to be honest.
So now I think I’m a bad person next on the list is that I am mean. People kept putting that on me anytime I said what I believe is the truth about something. I’ll be honest with you guys I can say some mean things. I won’t lie. However, there are two people on this whole planet that I believe can actually say that I am a mean person. Other than that if you tell me I’m mean I will cry about it. To be mean is to have malicious intent, want to hurt someones feelings, to not care about someones feelings. Not me not saying something and not sugar coating it to get you your fix of sweets.
I took on being mean until I could not take it anymore. I didn’t feel like I was mean. One friend even told me they thought that genuinely. That really hurt me because I was trying to find a time I was mean to them and couldn’t. I could be doing nothing and it would get brought up. They would just talk about me being mean like it was nothing. I thought about it for a long time and if I was that mean why would I have friends at all? Why would people stick around so long if I was a mean person down to my core? The answer is that they wouldn’t or shouldn’t.
I was really truly worried everyone thought I was a mean person. I went to all my long term friends about this. I was like “If I was a mean person you wouldn’t be my friend right?” Thank you to all my friends that had the conversation with me over and over that I wasn’t a bad person, I wasn’t mean and that you all like me for who I am.
I couldn’t take on being mean anymore. It wasn’t fitting who I knew myself to be. It made every time someone called me nice feel like a lie. That sucked. People said it so much I started to believe it. I had to correct that. Why would I take on that trait?
I am only whatever you make me is a very dangerous thing. It is so important to get to know yourself and set boundaries for your well being and sanity as a person. One thing that drives me crazy is that I may never get to change the minds of the people that think I am a bad person. That is what they make me as. I have to accept that and move on. I have to make peace with that. There will be no closure from them in life about what they think of me. I can only get to know myself and what I think. What I think matters the most anyway. What you think of yourself determines so much.
Letting people tell you who you are is draining and unrewarding in life. You will spend so much time doing and being someone you don’t like. It will never be worth it.
I recently had a meeting with my college counselor. It went as well as can be expected with the way I left things before my gap year. When I decided to take my gap year it was in the middle of fall semester 2020. I was doing my math class (which i suck at math hardcore) couldn’t figure out the problem. Called my friend and she came to save me. She found me sitting on my dad’s front porch smoking a cigarette. I was major stressed.
Everything she was trying to teach me was going in one ear out the other. I couldn’t seem to grasp the concept at all. I was staring at the screen, closed it, and looked at her and said “I need to go for a drive”.
She took me on a drive and I just remember thinking “I cannot go back and do that”. I didn’t go back and do it. At all. I failed the class and all the other classes I had enrolled in that semester. If you ask me it was inevitable that I take a gap year. I would even say I should have taken one after high school.
I quit going to class, but I waited to tell my parents. Anytime they would ask how school was I would just say good. When semester ended I told them “I’m taking a year off, I’ll go back when it’s in person.” There was covid in it’s heights at this time. It was the perfect excuse.
I took the gap year. It was so nice not having to worry about school. However, I found myself kind of missing going to class and learning about things. Fall 2021 rolls around and I am regretting not going back to school for that semester. One thing I kept reminding myself of though was to take the full year off. Once I start again I don’t plan on stopping again. That I needed to take the full year and I can go back in January.
Finally, I was like I need to start the process of getting back into school. I made an appointment with my counselor and almost did not go. I really wanted to sleep in and I made it early like an idiot. Plus, I can just make another one. I’ll get around to it. Right? I woke up early that morning without an alarm. I was like this is a sign. I need to go.
I went and it was brutal having to look at all my failed classes. Knowing I have to repeat them will be the bane of my existence come spring. I was sitting in that chair going over everything I needed to do to be able to get my gpa up, have credits, and transfer and I was like “holy shit” why did I fail so hard. Why didn’t I take my classes more serious when I was there.
We came up with a plan and I said “I feel good, I feel ready.” This man looked at me and said “Don’t feel ready, be ready.”
I was instantly pulled into a memory of my friend saying to me “I was thinking about what you said, how you just have to do it” and if that isn’t the truth. There are some things in life you just can’t feel. You just have to do them.
Taking a gap year was one of the first big just do it’s I have done in my life and it will not be my last. (Hello Mr. Styles November 13th). Life is so much better when you simply do what you have been saying you are going to do. You feel so much more accomplished when you do what you have been meaning to do.
My “I’m doing it!” pose
You can talk and plan and talk and plan, but at the end of the day are you doing it? Thinking about things is an endless cycle we all can get lost in. I do it all the time. Sometimes you just have to say fuck it! You can get so much more done when you just do it instead of sitting around talking about it.
Do the things you want to do. You have one life to do what it is you want. The worst that happens is you do it and you hate it. Even then it will probably be a really good story. Travel, drink, spend time, start a hobby, write a book, take more pictures. Whatever it is you have been meaning to do, simply do it!!!!!
I’ve been struggling with love. In my head I get caught up and think about how love is romantic and grand. That it draws attention. I also think that everyone knows what love is, and that is not a fair assumption.
So, I started to pay attention to love, because what is love? Why does everyone seek love. We act as if we need love to breathe. I look at my friends and automatically know they love me. Which is really an assumption based on the time we spend together.
Not all my friends say they love me and I don’t always tell them i love them. So how do we know that we are on the same page when we aren’t constantly volleying i love you around? It’s simple, it’s in the way they care. Making sure to ask if you are alright. “are you okay I sense that you’re a little off today” or something like “I saw this and I thought of you” My friends that are not affectionate physically make up for it in other ways like gift giving they saw something thought I would like and that i should have it, something small but enough to know they care, or a really thought out gift that is just so what I wanted I didn’t even know. They paid attention enough to know. They will send me a tweet and be like this is so you.
I have other friends that live by the principle always say i love you and we say it every chance we get. When talking, when leaving, when hanging up, when laughing, when crying especially when drinking. we are affectionate towards each other. Holding one another, hugging one another, kisses on the cheek, hands cupping each others face during a song.
I have other friends where we say let’s go on a drive and we drive to music and just spend time. Have conversations that are only talked about in the confines of the car and trust wont leave. When people i don’t talk to consistently check in and see how things are going. I am surrounded by people that care and love wholeheartedly in their own way. Whether they can say the words aloud or left it the actions.
So, I started seeing how I show love to those around me. What do I do for the people I love? I tell them even if it makes them uncomfortable, because everyone needs to hear the words whether they think so or not. I hug my friends like its our last all the time. My most common one is “I love you be safe.” Be safe please be safe. I care about your safety be safe. I appreciate you, not only do I love you, but I appreciate you and what you offer me. My love changes with who is around based on how I see fit, but I don’t love anyone any less. I don’t care any less.
When I realized all the ways people loved it helped me understand how to express my love for them. Love is all around. It’s in the “did you eat today?” “i think you would like this song” “i saw this and thought of you” “do you want to run errands with me” it’s in little things when you look and you see that you are cared for. That everyone loves differently. That love comes in more forms than romantic. That you are full of love even when you feel empty because I love you isn’t the only way to let someone know. Love isn’t only romantic or familial. It’s platonic and it is every bit as grand when you embrace it.
Growing up I was a very serious child. Like bad. I never met anyone as serious as I was. It was always a topic of conversation among my friends because I did not think their jokes were funny. To be honest even without the stick up my ass and developed sense of humor it objectively was not funny. It just wasn’t my style. I can confidently say fart nosies, turd jokes and drawings just doesn’t do it for me. I have always been more of the serious friend that you would go to with problems rather than jokes and to laugh. For younger me that hurt when I realized that people didn’t think I was funny. To be fair I think sarcasm is lost on a large majority of people no matter the age. It still didn’t make little me feel good though.
I understand that I am just wired as a more serious person but I wish that little me could have understood how to have fun. The idea to write this came from me thinking “I wish someone had told me not to take life so seriously” but if I’m honest they probably did. They probably told me to lighten up and take a joke. I just couldn’t. Little me had a very depressing view of the world that just weighed and weighed. I think the reason I was so serious was because I was so sad all the time. What is so funny when I’m having anxiety attacks and reading more than I’m sleeping. Middle school was when this was extremely a problem. Trying to fit in when you look different from your peers and then to be surrounded by people who weren’t experiencing the things you were is hard. It will always be hard which is why out growing people is a thing. It is why you drift from people at certain points. Why you lean on others more than usual. You gravitate towards people who you think understand you or your situation.
Now that I am older I have adopted the whole “it’s not that serious” mindset. I think to compensate for the lack of it in my childhood. As I work on myself I see where I went wrong with that. Where I overcompensated with it. The truth is that some things really are that serious. That it is okay that some things really are that serious. “It is what it is” also gets me in a lot of trouble I have come to realize. The things you tell yourself are so important! Very important! The most important! I cannot stress it enough! I wish little me had been told that it was okay to be serious. That there is nothing wrong with who I was wired to be. That I could find a balance. Now I am 21 downplaying things because I’ve told myself “it’s not that serious” or “it happens to everyone”.
As I go on in life, I have come to enjoy enjoy having a more serious side. It is not as bad as it seems. I feel it invites more responsibility, but when you have been doing it all your life what’s the difference. Learning that I wasn’t going to be the most funny person in the room was a hard blow, but the world kept spinning. As I got older I was even able to crack a joke and make people laugh. It’s so cool! Middle school just sucks! There are people that think I’m funny. (Thank you Melina for always laughing with me and at my jokes). Learning to balance seriousness and having a sense of humor was a thing to learn. Sometimes I overcompensate with humor when I really just want to break down and cry. I would even say I haven’t gotten the hang of it. That I may never have balance and that balance in anything in life is a myth we all chase.
Sometimes it is that serious and sometimes it is not that serious. It is about knowing when to take yourself or something serious and when to let it go. Which is very hard sometimes, but not impossible. It is all about learning, growing, and evolving. It is never too late to do any of those three things in life.
I have been thinking about doing this for a year now. I never knew how to go about it or what needed to be done. Then this morning, as if possessed, I simply opened my laptop and got to it. I am very excited to share with the internet my thoughts and words that I write. I often feel I better express myself through writing.
Thank you to all my friends and family who have encouraged me to share with the world the things I write. Without that encouragement this would not be here.
With my thoughts on the internet 