Category Archives: Uncategorized

Happy Friday!

This week kicked my ass for a multitude of reasons and I am ready for it to be over.

My week started off not so bad Monday morning. I mean it’s Monday so there is only so much I can expect. Then Monday night my week just got turned down. I spent Tuesday looking like I aged forty years due to stress and anxiety. I went to bed early Tuesday night hoping to get back on track for Wednesday and being okay. There was just so much going on at one time.

I woke up Wednesday and it was Harry Styles’ birthday and watching the live stream of his concert was honestly what was getting me through the day. I had half a work day Wednesday so I slept after and was preparing to go to Kayla’s. When I got there we decided on snacks from the gas station and taco bell for the livestream.

I love getting snacks at the gas station (let’s go soon cassy). It’s just a simple pleasure I have in life. I go I get a drink I get a snack and I eat it in the parking lot most of the time with Cassidy. We sit and talk and it’s just a really soothing ritual that we do. A simple silly little thing.

So Kayla and I are at this gas station we get our snacks and we are back in the car. All week I grabbing on to my comfort things in life, so of course i requested the music to be none other than Midnight Memories (the album) by One Direction. We are sitting in the parking lot, Kayla’s looking up the taco bell menu and little white lies comes on. This is a headbanger song. We turn it up and we are dancing head banging in our seats. This lady gets out of her car and is looking at us head banging with us before she goes into the gas station. Just a silly little thing. A moment in time.

We watched the live stream that night and while it’s not as cool as being there it was definitely an experience. We had our snacks, all the room in the world to dance and we could talk. We must of danced crazy for like four songs straight. Not just jumping up and down, swaying back and forth. Just full out silly little dance moves. And it felt glorious. Just dancing while watching one of my favorite artist perform with my friend in a comfortable setting. Just a silly little thing in the grand scheme of things.

When it was over I looked at her and I was like I needed that. It was good and pure and cleansing.

Thursday came around and I was like there’s no way I can participate in today, there was just too much. I felt horrible and I could barely move from bed. So I did not. I did not move from bed. By like 7pm I had to get out of bed. I texted my friend Dylan and I was like please come with me to get food.

I have known Dylan for a long time and he has seen me through some of the hardest times in my life. I know that I can show up any kind of way with him and no matter my mood I’m going to feel like life is gonna be alright after we are done hanging out.

I pick him up and I get something to eat and he brings up that there is suppose to be this comet tonight. So I was like sick are we gonna watch it? He said yes. So we go where it’s dark and we are looking for this comet. Dylan and I can talk about anything and everything and I admire that about our friendship. Even when he is doing statistics homework. We are talking mindlessly about things and it comes time for the comet, and the song that’s playing when we get out of the car is Lump Sum by Bon Iver. If you’ve never heard it you should listen. It’s melancholy and slow. Something you listen to when you’re down or when it’s raining outside.

Lump Sum is playing and we are outside my car looking in the direction of where the comet is suppose to be. I can’t help but comment to Dylan that one of my favorite things is songs like lump sum playing over moments where you’re feeling kinda infinite. Like we are looking for a comet in the sky at night on a Thursday night; and I felt like the world is wide and big and stretches forever and that I was gonna be okay. The song playing over the moment just kinda made it all the better. A silly little thing.

We ended up not seeing the comet but we were just talking. I was like I need an idea for a blog post. Dylan and I had already talked about a hundred things that I could make a blog post but I needed something else.

He does this thing were he laughs to himself, and I fall for it every time. I always go what are you laughing at? It could be dead silent and Dylan will just laugh a little laugh. He’ll tell me nothing particular. So we started talking about how much better life is when you admire the little things. Focus on those instead of the big things. How much better life is when you’re laughing through it. So when I asked him what I should write about before he could even spit an idea out I was like wait I know! I’m going to write about the little things.

There are so many little things in life that you just have to take a moment to recognize. They are in your everyday life all the time. A song you haven’t listened to in a while, coffee just the way you like it, a hot shower, dancing to your favorite artist like no ones watching, a good conversation, a really great hug and etc.

I do think being able to enjoy little things takes a level of mindfulness about your day. We often miss the little things so much. They are just little moments in time, but when you recognize them for what they are they become your big moments. The things that turn your day or week around. They feel so sweet and comforting when you bask in them for what they are.

Thank you to Kayla and thank you to Dylan for giving me little things this week I really needed them.

With my thoughts on the Internet,

RJC

When I was 16/17 I told one of my younglife leaders I was praying to God for patience. She told me now why would you do that? I said well I need patience I have zero. She told me you pray for that God is just going to give you battles where you have to exercise patience. I immediately stopped praying for patience right then and there.

Fast forward to the age of 22 and I am finding myself more impatient than I have ever been before. I think a lot of it is anxiety, I tend to get impatient when I plan and am planning and I’m waiting for those plans to come to fruition. They play over and over in my head how it’s going to go and if it will work out. As I stated before I have a very planned out year.

There was a point in my life where it was recommended to me by a therapist that I don’t plan. That I take everything day by day. I did that for years to manage a lot of different things and to make it through life. I however am beyond that and am at a point where I do have to plan at least a little bit of my life at a time. Starting with a year at a time.

I’m falling apart about it to be honest. I just want everything now now now. I know not everything can happen now now now. It’s even better that not everything is happening now now now because I’m not even fully prepared.

The last time I was able to slow down in life was honestly covid when everything was closed and I had to learn to slow down. I am very much a go person at times. I’m always occupying my brain in some way. Whether it be reading, going out with friends, or working my mind is occupied. It’s always on go. When I’m constantly thinking and going I never slow down for anything.

I think of something and it happens because I don’t have the patience for it not to. I was talking to my dad and I work with kids and that’s probably the only area of my life where I exercise an extreme amount of patience. They are just precious though. I would do anything for them even slow down and take deep breathes to re center ourselves when it gets too much. My dad was talking about how thats so cool because you can apply that to other ares of your life and you have this skill and etc and I was like hello!!!!!!!! so true!

A lot of the time I have solutions to everything and I just have to wait for them to happen. Instead of pushing it to the back of my brain and not thinking about it its right up in the front occupying my thoughts. Demanding I re go over it. Go over it again. Take it from this angle. What’s the best possible way? How can we make this happen? How can we make this fit? What if we did this? I figure it out and then I can’t wait for it to happen. It’s a lot on my little brain, I put her through so much to be honest.

After my dad said that to me though I’ve decided to actively combat this line of thinking. It’s difficult because I’m fighting a pattern my brain has created, but sometimes it’s about the deep breathes and coming back to reality and the what can we do right now. Re centering. It’s definitely not a cure all but it’s worth a shot. Exercising patience and a bit of mindfulness. Focusing on the now of things instead of what’s coming. Gonna be a bit tough for me to be honest, but I’d rather get it down at 22 then 42.

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC

I don’t know if I ever wrote about it on my blog before but typically every year on my birthday I dub it the year of and then whatever my big goal is. I didn’t do it until halfway through my 21st year and I didn’t have one for my 22nd. I was just like I am flowing and that gonna have to be good enough. Realistically I suppose my career year was 21/22.

For the new year however I feel like starting right on the new year. I have a lot of things I hope to accomplish in the year 2023 and so it only felt right.

Intention is really important to me because it feels better to me when it happens the way I intended it to. I like when the outcome is how I planned it. It’s nice when things happen and surprise you too, but I’m into bending the world to my way.

As a person who reads and writes I feel like the biggest way to set intentions is by writing and how I speak about the things I want. Talking about things as if they have already happened and or talking about them like fact. Just making my world what I want it to be by speaking it into existence. It really changes things.

The other is by doing it. I have talked about just doing it. Just doing it really changes the pace in which you do your life. It’s definitely a moment changer when you just do it.

For example Harry Styles will be performing in London. I bought a ticket to do that. Now I have to get there to see it. Now I will be traveling this summer. And so it goes.

I also committed to not having trivial new years resolutions. I’m not really interested in saying I’ll do something I really have no intention of following through on just because it’s a new year. However, I always intend to travel and what better time than to see my favorite artist in a different country.

I intend this year to be more financially responsible, what better way to exercise discipline than having something you need to save money for. Of course you should always be saving money for the rainy days, but that’s besides the point.

I believe that habit is part of being intentional. Doing something over and over. Saying something over and over. Letting your intention be apart of your everyday life. It’s so easy to get caught up in life and what it throws at you. You can forget things so easily, but when it’s habit it’s just subconscious.

Like going to the gym, if you intend to go and get fit and you have the intention of doing that, the best way is to go at least three times a week at a set time and making it a habit. Scheduling things into your day and making them daily or weekly.

I recently started a morning routine before I go to work. I wake up, I get dressed, I make my coffee, I do morning stretches to get me started and relieve morning anxiety, listen to music that gets me alert and awake, and then I go to work. This has made my day so much more bearable then waking up thirty minutes before I have to be at work and walking in like a zombie. It definitely beats being in an okay mood and having changes thrown at me when I’ve only been up for 45 minutes.

Creating habits and being intentional in what you do with yourself brings a sense of calm to me. I know the purpose I have set and intend to get to it. Having a routine is therapeutic to me. Helps me keep track of my brain and everything I have going on.

It is never bad to be intentional about your life, and making your world the world you want to be alive in.

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC

Hey!

I feel like I have done so many things since I last wrote a blog post. Sometime in the spring of 2022 I decided to do phlebotomy school and get a career and 2022 became my career year. I spent the summer getting my blood drawn every week and then drawing blood as well. It’s safe to say I have developed a bit of a phobia to needles.

I met some really awesome ladies there in phlebotomy school and I wouldn’t have wanted to do it with anyone but them. It was hard and fast paced and definitely tested me in ways I was hoping and not expecting. I really wanted to prove I was academically smart which I did. So there’s that. I also wanted medical knowledge like my brother and sister. Which I achieved.

If you have seen me since I finished phlebotomy school you know I do nothing close to phlebotomy. After phlebotomy school I went and became a registered behavior technician. I work with autistic children and I honestly love it so much. I’m not a phlebotomist for a few reasons but I feel as if I am where I am suppose to be.

I traveled a lot late August into October because I wasn’t working besides babysitting. It filled me to be able to go places with no commitment back home. If you can ever afford it do it. I would have some panic moments where I was like I don’t even have a real job what am I doing, but it was a needed time. I got to visit my sister in Montana and it was so beautiful there. It was slower paced and I felt like I got time to breathe while I was there.

Glacier National Park

I turned 22 and then I spent a few weeks in Mesa, Arizona with my dad before we went to Portland, Oregon where I spent 10 days in my favorite place to date. It always refreshes my soul and I feel like I come back to life there.

I then went on to see Harry Styles twice in LA and I regret nothing. He is the best. Never a bad time.

Had some quiet holidays, started working as an RBT in December and then it was the new year. The thing I’m most proud of for my 2022 was that I wanted to find a job I liked or loved that I could support myself on. I did that, maybe with a false start, but I got there by the end. I feel like life is kinda like that anyway. I just had to ride it out and put my trust where I like it and believe that I could do anything I put my mind to.

2022 was a hard but rewarding year in ways I did not expect. There were definitely moments where I was like “Rebecca what the actual fuck are you doing right now.” but I would just push through. I think that was a big thing for me in 2022 was finishing things to the end. I’m more of a if you’re not feeling it don’t do it kinda person. It’s just that that leaves me with a lot of what if’s and I’m sick of those to be honest. So commitment and following through was a big deal last year and something I’m carrying through to the new year.

I feel the most excited about a new year than I have in a while because there is a lot of things I intend to do in 2023, my year of intention.

Goodbye 2022!

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC

My mom always says ” I love you, not only do I love you I like you.” She has been saying this my whole life.

Miss Rodrigo says “I love people I don’t like.”

You can like people without ever loving them and you can love people without liking them.

That family member you can’t stand but keep trying with even when you spend more time complaining than saying good things? You love them. You just don’t like them very much.

That one person you keep going back to because you love them, but you literally hate everything else they do and want more for yourself. You just can’t seem to let them go. You love them. You don’t like them very much though.

To me liking someone is infinitely more important than loving someone. Loving people gets you in tricky situations. It puts you in places you don’t like. You bend to loves will to make things work and stretch yourself thin making excuses for the things you love. hardly ever do you do things like that for something you just like. You will respect it a lot though.

When you don’t like something you just let it go.

When you like and love something, someone, anything you feel happy and light. You respect, adore, and admire. It creates euphoria. It is a sweet spot.

Chances are when you break up with someone it’s not that you don’t love them anymore (maybe you never loved them) you just don’t like something they did or you don’t like them anymore. If you did love them then you probably will always be fond of them in some way. It just wasn’t gonna work because you didn’t like them anymore.

Like is really simple and love is really complicated.

When you don’t like someone but you love them it creates bitterness and resentment within. You may start disagreeing but not voicing it, hating that you have to spend time with them, dragging your feet to be there for them. You’ll do it though. Maybe because you feel it is the right thing to do. Is it though? Is that really that fair?

Stop being around people that don’t like you! Loving and liking someone are not interchangeable! The like is how you treat what or who you love. Remember that.

Liking and loving someone are completely different. The love will always make you stay because we are conditioned to think it means more. I simply do not think that’s true. I think it can even be proven the like is more important.

Choose people that like and love you. Be a person that likes and loves. Do both. Do like without love but love without like is a painful place to be.

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC

Happy April!

I’ll be very honest I need April to end as soon as possible. Started off strong with a trip to San Francisco, but after that it is not going so well. Learning that sometimes thats just what happens in life. There’s a balance not every month is gonna be the best month ever.

One thing I did this month that makes it a little worth all the shit is that I started working with children. If you have known me for awhile you know that at one point (for awhile) I was not a fan of children. Never could picture working with them, having them, being any sort of mentor to them. Didn’t like being around them. I was just put off by them.

Over the last year and a half while doing my soul searching and healing, I realized that children are really fucking cool. Like so cool. They aren’t easy, but they are really awesome. My gripe with kids was all about me. All about my childhood and me not being connected to my inner child. Not realizing how precious kids are. Healing my inner child has probably been the coolest thing I have ever done.

I think all the time about what my younger self would think about how I am today. I think she would really think I’m appearance cool, but wouldn’t get the personality change. 12 year old Rebecca had a stick up her ass a mile long. I like to think I’m a lot more open now then I was at 12.

While connecting with my inner child I found myself becoming who I wanted to be when I didn’t have everyone else’s opinions. Kids are so unfiltered. They are so unapologetically themselves it’s fun to watch. They have a curiosity that is unmatched because they don’t know any better and are so strong willed it makes you waiver a bit when dealing with them.

Kids also like what they like and they are not sorry about it. That was my favorite lesson to relearn. To connect with people that like the things I like at this age was the single best thing ever. It’s so fun. I had to embrace it first though.

The ages I’m referencing are so little too. Like ages 3-7 so much happens in those years. We are growing and we don’t realize how impactful it is.

I think a lot of the healing I am doing about inner child is from my middle school years. Those were rough. I definitely recommend looking into what happened to you in middle school that made you who you are now.

I could go on and on about teenagers. They are so annoying! Also some of the deepest feelers you will ever meet. I firmly believe you will never feel as deeply as you did when you were a teenager for multiple reasons.

Looking at my childhood as I enter adulthood is the coolest most healing thing I have ever done. I hope that one day you’ll look up how to heal my inner child and start doing it. It’s the answer to a lot of questions you might not even know you had. For me it unlocked a lot of likes and passions I wrote off.

Life is better when you have a child like curiosity about it.

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC

For personal reasons I wanted a gap year. For less personal reasons I was really unsure about college. I was unsure about college full time while working. I was unsure about college while I was unsure of my major. I was unsure about everything when it came to my future.

The only thing I will always be 100% positive about is that I need to travel. That is the only thing in my life I am always sure about. There is never a day I don’t know that or question it. So when I spent a majority of my summer before college going around Italy, Greece, and Guatemala I was even less sure about college. I just wanted to keep traveling.

It was pretty clear my parents were not gonna let me take a gap year like I wanted. In Guatemala I had a huge anxiety attack about school. I had been gone all summer being here and there in the world, that I forgot to meet with an advisor. I’m in a different country freaking the fuck out about something I could not change in that moment. I called my mom and I was like “I’m freaking out I don’t know what to do.” I don’t even remember what she said. I don’t even remember how I finally calmed down and fell asleep.

That was the tone I had set for college. Not off to a great start there. To be perfectly honest I am smart. School though? I hate it. Thinking about doing it for a minimum of four years makes me freak out to this day.

I barely made it through my first semester of college. The amount of times I either didn’t go or left early from my astronomy class was laughable. I did like some of my classes because I like learning, but still I was like this can’t be what I’m meant to do.

I went back for a second semester. That’s when shit hit the fan. The pandemic started and we went online. Well everyone went online and I failed my classes. Online learning is not for me in the slightest.

Summer came and I was free. Then fall semester came round and I had to go AGAIN. My classes that were suppose to be in person got put online again. I was a lost cause at this point. Sometime in late October early November I was like I’m not doing this. I closed my laptop after I couldn’t get a math problem and did not look back at it for three semesters.

I didn’t tell my parents until I was suppose to go back to school. That I wasn’t going. I was really scared what they would say. Ultimately, I was wasting money and if I needed time off so be it.

I took three official semesters off. I did a lot of work on myself and around me during that time. I finally felt ready in late 2021. I had picked a major and was ready to go back so I did.

Spring semester 2022 I went back and I didn’t even last one week. I was like I can’t do this. It’s cool in theory, but it is literally not for me at all. I really wanted college to be for me. Really badly actually. It is not though. I know that now. I think I always knew that.

I will not be trying for third times the charm. Dropping out twice is enough for me. It was embarrassing enough having my old professors recognize me after I failed their classes.

College is cool if it is for you. I have friends that like it, I have friends graduating early, and friends who didn’t go at all. There is something for everyone and you don’t always need college to figure it out. There are tons of things to try that don’t involve college. You have so much time in your life to try and fail. See what you like and don’t like. Maybe what you like you need a degree for to go further in it, and you start college at 26. There is nothing wrong with that.

After I dropped out the second time I felt like the biggest failure. I had no plan this time. It wasn’t a gap year. I was done. I explored tons of options and found one I like. I believe life is all about trying as many things as possible. Not all of them will work out and that is okay. There is something for you. You are on your own path. Try to remember that. Worry about what you are doing and not anyone else. They don’t matter the way you think they do.

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC

I would like to start this by saying I am in a completely different place emotionally, spiritually, and physically then when this portrait and poem are referencing. The portrait shown can be jarring if you like my face just the way you have always seen it.

Sometime last year I decided I wanted to start buying art. So I did and I love it all so much. I really admire artists and how they bring something to life through painting or drawing. I think I love it so much because it’s something I can’t do to save my life.

I followed an artist on twitter named Jackie Madrazo and immediately loved her art and style. I couldn’t wait to buy a print from her. I had to preorder it and I was so anxious waiting, I wanted it on my wall that moment. She opened her commissions in December and I was like this is my chance.

I had had this idea for years. If you have had a long enough conversation with me I’m kinda obsessed with getting a black eye. It’s almost like a bucket list item for me. The chances of me getting one however are slim. So, i wanted to see it in a different way. There are many reasons I want a black eye or bloody lip. It looks cool for one.

I dm’d her on twitter and I was like hey I have this idea and a reference photo if you could bring this to life for me. I had never commissioned an art piece in my life. She was so nice the whole process and always open to my ideas and suggestions. I had the utmost faith this would be something I loved when it was finished. I couldn’t have asked for a better artist to bring this to life for me truly.

So here is the piece of art and the poem I just want my outside to match my inside

I just want my outside to match my inside

Once I was sick and my mom asked me how I was feeling 

I told her honestly I feel fine my outside finally matches my inside

How do you tell someone your soul feels black and blue

That if you could touch it it would fall apart to pieces

I would stare at myself in the mirror and it was as if I wasn’t looking right

There had to be some evidence of the pain I was feeling

I was pale the bags under my eyes purple but no one was looking at me in shock

There were no signs that my soul was leaving my body second by second

That soon it wouldn’t exist at all

I need my outside to match my inside

My brain is melting at an alarming rate

It’s on fire everything is on fire

There has to be something on the outside

There has to be something on the outside

There has to be something on the outside

I punched the painting on my wall

I must have punched it 27 times

Now my hand is bruised

It’s swelling and cut and bruised

It’s bruised and its a relief that physically something is wrong with me

I just want my outside to match my inside

I am feeling beyond blue

It’s turning into violent purple then melting into black

My soul is sludge and it’s heavy to bear

it’s dragging me down yet filling me up

My mind is radio static and my mood is raging

All I see is red

I am not thinking before I act

Nobody is saying anything it’s as if I’m not even there

Maybe if my outside matched my inside they’d finally ask

Thank you Jackie for doing this! I am speechless every time I look at it.

You can find Jackie’s art work on her website: http://feverdreamsart.bigcartel.com and on instagram @feverdreamsxart

I highly encourage everyone to look, if not just to admire something for the day.

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC

I wrote a post about saying no. I’m pretty sure that i said sometimes you get talked into something and it ends up being a good thing you did. Where you’re happy you didn’t say no.

I recently said no. Then I said yes. It was a really good decision to say yes.

I have this feeling 2022 is gonna be a really good year. However, January was a bit of a rough start I won’t lie. So then February came and I was like yes okay another month. The residual affects of January just happened to hit on a day my friends wanted to hang out. I had gone out the night before and I was like eh not again. I’ll stay home read and I’ll be all good. The day had been emotional for me and I just kinda wanted to be alone.

My friends were not having it. Not even a little bit. Started with a facetime where I said no thanks. The the chat was lighting up. Calling me lame wasn’t getting me to change my mind. I told them give me ten reasons why I should. So they did. They were not good reasons at all. Not even real reasons. It made me laugh though that the effort was being put. So, I relented and said yes.

We got to where we planned on going and to be honest I wasn’t with it. I was like let’s leave. I had suggested we zipline. I was ready to do anything but what we were doing and I felt the need to have a little adrenaline.

I’d like to mention that I think car rides with friends are the most fun ever. Just music, conversation and people you love. I laughed a lot that car ride downtown it felt like.

We get down town to the only place you can zipline and the three of us were like no we’re good. We are just downtown no clue what’s next.

So then another friend was like let’s walk at this place. So we did. We drove and we walked, talked, sat in grass. In February in the cold. Just because we were looking for something to do.

It’s midnight at this point and I’m hungry. I’m really pushing for some sonic I won’t lie. Then we got the suggestion of Pop’s. I’ve eaten there a total of once before that night so I was for it. Five of us pile in to the car all seats taken.

We get there, order, talk, freeze. The usual.

The whole point of this is that I was way down. I was saying no. This night though, happened to be one of the best nights I’ve had in a really long time. I spent it with people I love and make me laugh. We just did a bunch of random things in good company. I felt so much better when I got home.

Thank you to my friends you fill my heart with so much love.

Say yes sometimes. It could be good for you.

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC

I have been suffering from writers block and bad frame of mind for the last month and a half.

I had so many ideas about what I wanted to write about, but I didn’t feel like I could properly execute it the way I wanted. I wrote half a post, re-read it, and then I deleted it because I hated it so much.

Here I am though ready to share one thing I think has made my life so much better.

Feeling my feelings, and then owning my feelings.

I wouldn’t say I was a person that bottled everything up, but I definitely hid/hide what I am feeling. In middle school it was because I felt so different from my friends, and in high school it was in fear of being embarrassed. I think to this day a lot of the time if I don’t express how I feel about something it has to do with feeling embarrassed. Eventually it will get told to my therapist, but sometimes that’s the only person that will know.

The first time I leaned into what I was feeling was in high school after my first break up. Honestly, I think it was because I was so sad and couldn’t feel anything else. I let myself be sad though. For awhile too. I think I was really sad for six months before I was like this is ridiculous I wanna feel something else. That was the first time I cried in a really long, long time. I just let myself. I think crying binges everything out. I used to view crying as weak until I realized how much better I felt after ugly crying.

After that time period in my life I just kinda let myself be. I would let myself feel certain ways and that was that. The issue is that I wasn’t doing anything with what I was feeling. Me, personally, I can get consumed by things. I tend to fixate on things. So by hiding what I was feeling it was trapped in me running through my mind. I would just think and think.

I always say if you don’t want someone to know something never say it out loud. That’s how powerful I think words are. After high school I was recovering from a really traumatic period of time in my life. I was being consumed by anger, regret, sadness, bitterness, resentment all of it. For two years I just kept it all in never talking about it. I have writing from that time and that was relieving, but it wasn’t cutting it. I was feeling too much.

It wasn’t until the beginning of 2021 that I finally was like what the fuck. I was tired of feeling so many negative things. I was tired of being consumed by emotions I had never been so intimate with. I was about three months into therapy at this point and I was like I’m feeling all these things. What do I do with that?

I do be on twitter dot com. I saw a tweet that said “normalize being bitter and consumed by hatred.” I was like oh my god this is it. I had never felt so seen by a tweet. I immediately screenshotted it and took it to finsta because I had thoughts.

“I felt this and have thoughts on it. I just feel like we should be able to have any emotion even the bad ones and not be looked down on or called bad things because every emotion is an emotion and we are meant to feel them and people just hate bad emotions because they make them uncomfortable and I think it’s outrageous”

my finsta

When I admitted what I was feeling out loud to myself it was like finding a missing puzzle piece. People don’t talk about dirty, ugly feelings enough. If someone is envious we call them green. When someone is angry they are mean or out of control. When someone is sad we tip toe around them. There are hardly any good conversations about the ugly feelings. Nobody wants to talk about them.

When I figured out all the ugly feelings in me I went straight to my therapist. I went down a rabbit hole of every emotion I was feeling and why I was feeling it. After doing that I felt so so good.

I thought about writing this because I saw Indy Blue’s instagram story and she mentioned “Hurt people, hurt people”. It’s so true guys. I was this ball of negative energy for so long. I wasn’t always pleasant to be around and I made it hard on people that were trying to love me because I was feeling a certain way and wouldn’t acknowledge it.

You can feel your emotions for all that it is worth. It’s an important step, but owning and acknowledging it is next.

Now I admit to when anything makes me feel bitter. I admit to the things I love. I express dislike. I talk about my sadness. I say how i really feel when someone asks. When my feelings are hurt I tell people they hurt my feelings. It has made all the difference in my life. It feels like apart of me heals every time I admit to feeling something and own it instead of keeping it inside letting it consume me. As soon as I say I’m bitter I feel a little less bitter. I feel a little lighter letting it go.

No emotion makes you weak and you should never be embarrassed about how you feel. Even the dirty, ugly feelings are valid.

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC