For personal reasons I wanted a gap year. For less personal reasons I was really unsure about college. I was unsure about college full time while working. I was unsure about college while I was unsure of my major. I was unsure about everything when it came to my future.
The only thing I will always be 100% positive about is that I need to travel. That is the only thing in my life I am always sure about. There is never a day I don’t know that or question it. So when I spent a majority of my summer before college going around Italy, Greece, and Guatemala I was even less sure about college. I just wanted to keep traveling.
It was pretty clear my parents were not gonna let me take a gap year like I wanted. In Guatemala I had a huge anxiety attack about school. I had been gone all summer being here and there in the world, that I forgot to meet with an advisor. I’m in a different country freaking the fuck out about something I could not change in that moment. I called my mom and I was like “I’m freaking out I don’t know what to do.” I don’t even remember what she said. I don’t even remember how I finally calmed down and fell asleep.
That was the tone I had set for college. Not off to a great start there. To be perfectly honest I am smart. School though? I hate it. Thinking about doing it for a minimum of four years makes me freak out to this day.
I barely made it through my first semester of college. The amount of times I either didn’t go or left early from my astronomy class was laughable. I did like some of my classes because I like learning, but still I was like this can’t be what I’m meant to do.
I went back for a second semester. That’s when shit hit the fan. The pandemic started and we went online. Well everyone went online and I failed my classes. Online learning is not for me in the slightest.
Summer came and I was free. Then fall semester came round and I had to go AGAIN. My classes that were suppose to be in person got put online again. I was a lost cause at this point. Sometime in late October early November I was like I’m not doing this. I closed my laptop after I couldn’t get a math problem and did not look back at it for three semesters.
I didn’t tell my parents until I was suppose to go back to school. That I wasn’t going. I was really scared what they would say. Ultimately, I was wasting money and if I needed time off so be it.
I took three official semesters off. I did a lot of work on myself and around me during that time. I finally felt ready in late 2021. I had picked a major and was ready to go back so I did.
Spring semester 2022 I went back and I didn’t even last one week. I was like I can’t do this. It’s cool in theory, but it is literally not for me at all. I really wanted college to be for me. Really badly actually. It is not though. I know that now. I think I always knew that.
I will not be trying for third times the charm. Dropping out twice is enough for me. It was embarrassing enough having my old professors recognize me after I failed their classes.
College is cool if it is for you. I have friends that like it, I have friends graduating early, and friends who didn’t go at all. There is something for everyone and you don’t always need college to figure it out. There are tons of things to try that don’t involve college. You have so much time in your life to try and fail. See what you like and don’t like. Maybe what you like you need a degree for to go further in it, and you start college at 26. There is nothing wrong with that.
After I dropped out the second time I felt like the biggest failure. I had no plan this time. It wasn’t a gap year. I was done. I explored tons of options and found one I like. I believe life is all about trying as many things as possible. Not all of them will work out and that is okay. There is something for you. You are on your own path. Try to remember that. Worry about what you are doing and not anyone else. They don’t matter the way you think they do.
With my thoughts on the internet,
RJC
With my thoughts on the internet 