I just want my outside to match my inside

I would like to start this by saying I am in a completely different place emotionally, spiritually, and physically then when this portrait and poem are referencing. The portrait shown can be jarring if you like my face just the way you have always seen it.

Sometime last year I decided I wanted to start buying art. So I did and I love it all so much. I really admire artists and how they bring something to life through painting or drawing. I think I love it so much because it’s something I can’t do to save my life.

I followed an artist on twitter named Jackie Madrazo and immediately loved her art and style. I couldn’t wait to buy a print from her. I had to preorder it and I was so anxious waiting, I wanted it on my wall that moment. She opened her commissions in December and I was like this is my chance.

I had had this idea for years. If you have had a long enough conversation with me I’m kinda obsessed with getting a black eye. It’s almost like a bucket list item for me. The chances of me getting one however are slim. So, i wanted to see it in a different way. There are many reasons I want a black eye or bloody lip. It looks cool for one.

I dm’d her on twitter and I was like hey I have this idea and a reference photo if you could bring this to life for me. I had never commissioned an art piece in my life. She was so nice the whole process and always open to my ideas and suggestions. I had the utmost faith this would be something I loved when it was finished. I couldn’t have asked for a better artist to bring this to life for me truly.

So here is the piece of art and the poem I just want my outside to match my inside

I just want my outside to match my inside

Once I was sick and my mom asked me how I was feeling 

I told her honestly I feel fine my outside finally matches my inside

How do you tell someone your soul feels black and blue

That if you could touch it it would fall apart to pieces

I would stare at myself in the mirror and it was as if I wasn’t looking right

There had to be some evidence of the pain I was feeling

I was pale the bags under my eyes purple but no one was looking at me in shock

There were no signs that my soul was leaving my body second by second

That soon it wouldn’t exist at all

I need my outside to match my inside

My brain is melting at an alarming rate

It’s on fire everything is on fire

There has to be something on the outside

There has to be something on the outside

There has to be something on the outside

I punched the painting on my wall

I must have punched it 27 times

Now my hand is bruised

It’s swelling and cut and bruised

It’s bruised and its a relief that physically something is wrong with me

I just want my outside to match my inside

I am feeling beyond blue

It’s turning into violent purple then melting into black

My soul is sludge and it’s heavy to bear

it’s dragging me down yet filling me up

My mind is radio static and my mood is raging

All I see is red

I am not thinking before I act

Nobody is saying anything it’s as if I’m not even there

Maybe if my outside matched my inside they’d finally ask

Thank you Jackie for doing this! I am speechless every time I look at it.

You can find Jackie’s art work on her website: http://feverdreamsart.bigcartel.com and on instagram @feverdreamsxart

I highly encourage everyone to look, if not just to admire something for the day.

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC