I’m only whatever you make me

For a long time I was so lost in my head and emotions that I gave up on knowing myself. I was just feeling too many negative things that I was like “If they say I’m pretty I must be pretty”. I didn’t believe them but if they said it then it must be true to some extent.

It just went on from there. Anything anyone put on me or said about me I took it as the truth. There was always some level of knowing myself I didn’t lose, but for the most part I was just being someone else. Someone completely made of all the things people would say to me.

Senior year was by far my most traumatic awful year of my life. Everything I knew and thought I knew about myself was out the window in a big way. Now I knew what it felt like to stare at a stranger in the mirror, and it was a very scary thing. I had no idea what to do with myself. I had to have long talks with myself about what I wanted and who I was. What I was going to do and how to proceed. I realized if I didn’t believe what everyone was saying what good was it. I needed to believe it.

I needed to know myself again. So I started re meeting myself again and again and again checking in until I started seeing someone I recognized from a long time ago. Then I made a big situation for myself that I would re do if I could.

That situation ended up with a very angry person on my couch yelling things in my face. Saying every hurtful thing they could think of, throwing anything they could in my face. This was really hard to hear especially after this person already was making me question myself at every turn in everyday life. One thing that I still remember to this day was “I don’t know if it’s your issues or what but,” and when I tell you that was a slap across the face, it felt like all the air left my lungs at that point.

I spent weeks thinking over everything they had said to me. Was any of it true? Am I that bad of a person? Do I deserve bad things to happen to me? I wasn’t letting people tell me who I was but this person knew me closely so maybe there was truth? This situation was discussed in therapy for months to come to be honest.

So now I think I’m a bad person next on the list is that I am mean. People kept putting that on me anytime I said what I believe is the truth about something. I’ll be honest with you guys I can say some mean things. I won’t lie. However, there are two people on this whole planet that I believe can actually say that I am a mean person. Other than that if you tell me I’m mean I will cry about it. To be mean is to have malicious intent, want to hurt someones feelings, to not care about someones feelings. Not me not saying something and not sugar coating it to get you your fix of sweets.

I took on being mean until I could not take it anymore. I didn’t feel like I was mean. One friend even told me they thought that genuinely. That really hurt me because I was trying to find a time I was mean to them and couldn’t. I could be doing nothing and it would get brought up. They would just talk about me being mean like it was nothing. I thought about it for a long time and if I was that mean why would I have friends at all? Why would people stick around so long if I was a mean person down to my core? The answer is that they wouldn’t or shouldn’t.

I was really truly worried everyone thought I was a mean person. I went to all my long term friends about this. I was like “If I was a mean person you wouldn’t be my friend right?” Thank you to all my friends that had the conversation with me over and over that I wasn’t a bad person, I wasn’t mean and that you all like me for who I am.

I couldn’t take on being mean anymore. It wasn’t fitting who I knew myself to be. It made every time someone called me nice feel like a lie. That sucked. People said it so much I started to believe it. I had to correct that. Why would I take on that trait?

I am only whatever you make me is a very dangerous thing. It is so important to get to know yourself and set boundaries for your well being and sanity as a person. One thing that drives me crazy is that I may never get to change the minds of the people that think I am a bad person. That is what they make me as. I have to accept that and move on. I have to make peace with that. There will be no closure from them in life about what they think of me. I can only get to know myself and what I think. What I think matters the most anyway. What you think of yourself determines so much.

Letting people tell you who you are is draining and unrewarding in life. You will spend so much time doing and being someone you don’t like. It will never be worth it.

With my thoughts on the internet,

RJC